By Our Foreign Correspondent
UKRAINE’S war effort hit an unexpected roadblock today—after the nation’s Parliament was forced to shut down due to a massive outbreak of projectile vomiting and “the trots.”
The Verkhovna Rada was plunged into chaos this morning when dozens of MPs failed to show up for duty, reporting they were “violently ill” following a suspected poisoning at the government canteen.
Officials were forced to cancel the day’s session after it became clear they couldn’t reach a quorum—meaning there weren’t enough healthy bottoms on seats to pass a single law.
Sanitary services have swarmed the building in Kiev, with investigators wearing masks and gloves seen scrubbing down the benches.
Experts are currently testing for rotavirus or a lethal dose of food poisoning from the parliamentary kitchen.
”It’s a total washout,” one source whispered. “One minute we’re discussing the front line, the next, half the Chamber is sprinting for the cubicles. You’ve never seen politicians move so fast.”
Investigation Launched
While some fear a sinister plot to disable the government, health officials are currently looking at the lunchtime menu. Suspicion has fallen on a dodgy batch of borsch or a suspect cafeteria salad.
A spokesperson confirmed:
”The session has been suspended while a deep clean is conducted. We are investigating whether this is a viral outbreak or a serious breach of food hygiene standards.”
For now, the only thing being passed in Ukraine’s parliament is the toilet paper.
Security Context: In a country at war, any mass illness affecting the leadership is immediately treated with suspicion.
While the “Sun” tone focuses on the humor of the situation, the underlying tension is whether this was an accidental hygiene slip-up or a targeted sabotage attempt.
The Quorum Issue: The Rada requires a minimum number of MPs (usually 226) to be present to vote on legislation.
With a large chunk of the assembly incapacitated by “stomach issues,” the legislative process literally grinds to a halt.
Public Health: Rotavirus is highly contagious and can spread like wildfire in crowded government buildings, making a “work from home” order almost inevitable for the survivors.
